Oh, so they want to know a bit about myself, well, okay…first of all my palms are sweating, knees weak, arms are heavy, I’ve vomited on my sweater already–mum’s spaghetti? Right? Wrong! I’m not about to get ready for the biggest rap battle of my Hip-Hop career but it’s exactly what I want to say when I’m sitting there in an interview, all helpless and nervous in front of not ONE but THREE Senior Managers for a menial entry-level job. I mean, don’t they have anything better to do? Go prey on someone else’s salvaged soul for a change.

So, who else is going to show up to this interview, eh? At this point they might as well pull out three chairs: for Simon Cowell, Alan Sugar and Tywin Lannister to judge me. Oh great, and the door is knocking and guess who? It’s the entire England football squad, the Cirque du Soleil and even the FBI are bloody here. Jesus Christ … who is also sitting in on this interview. Perfect. Then they have the nerve to ask, “How do you handle pressure?”. Well, what do you think?

Interview with the Vampire was much more straight-forward than that, let me tell you. Why couldn’t we just have a one-on-one casual chat at my penthouse, where we can reminisce about the time during the French Revolution when I was beginning my transformation from human to a blood-thirsty demon? How about THAT for a first impression?!

No? Okay, well I guess I’ll just sit here while you attempt to ask a frickin’ MILLENNIAL about their ‘communication’ skills? Baby, communication is my middle name, I am a Facebook crook, an Insta hoe, a Twitter hitter, I’m even a Snap Slag. You name it, and I’ve done it. While you had to use carrier pigeons to communicate back in your time, I can destroy someone’s life in 2 seconds, using only 280 characters. Game over. My whole life is about communication! liaise (stalk) with friends, family, fuck boys. Catfish and troll celebs on a daily basis, via social media, email and letters, either anonymously or using a nom-de-plume, of course. I don’t pick up my mum’s calls, I try to negotiate with the guy I met on a night out not to terminate our relationship, and never fucking smile to passers-by, what are you crazy? Yes, communication is key, especially in this day and age, well, that’s what I text my Sugar Daddy just before he wires me my money.

Great…this interview is so pretentious. Like, “be yourself”, they all said. Yeh, right…be myself? Seriously, BE MYSELF? When will my reflection show who am I inside…that sort of Disney malarkey? Well, okay let me just switch the television on and show you how tenacious I am, by bingeing on every Netflix crime drama in one sitting. Or better yet, let me show you how confident and well-versed I am when it comes to downing tequila shots every Friday night. Psst…be myself. And my all-time favourite: honesty is our best policy? If all this was true, honey, I’d tell you the gigantic mole on your face is really putting me off and your questions are as lame as your dress sense. You spend too much time, confined in your shitty little office, working out numbers and planning schedules, just get out more! Have I got any questions? Yes, just one – did you know there’s a whole new world outside since the last time you stepped out in the 90’s?

How’s THAT for being myself?

Oh by the way, what did happen at the end of Interview with the Vampire, did Brad Pitt get the job?